I Pledge Allegiance to the New Year…

Christmas is now behind us, which can only mean one thing: New Years resolutions! Every year people go crazy with list making and goal setting for a “new year, new me” type of feeling, and most set incredibly high goals, notice it’s harder to accomplish than originally planned, give up within the first week or month and never think about it all again until next December.

While I’m all for list making, this is one time when I really think lists should be about quality over quantity. Too many people get caught up in the notion of creating a whole new version of themselves by doing and having certain things that they become unhappy and lose sight of what they already have. I recently saw an article on the Huffington Post that people should read and keep in mind when setting goals for the New Year. One reason I really like the article is because it pinpoints small, manageable steps that will can help make both you and the world better in the process. I think more people should approach resolutions that way, instead of making grand, unattainable goals that lose steam within the first few months (weeks, days, hours) of the New Year, and maybe we’d all be a little happier. Maybe.

Anyway, the last point that the author made in the article really resonated with me:

“Lastly, don’t be so hard on yourself. You will slip. There will be times where you’ll be lazy and lack the discipline to follow the points of this contract. Don’t self loathe when you do. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to be soft, to not know all the answers, to be vulnerable, and most importantly, to be human…”

And therein lies the root of most of our problems, at least for me: self-loathing and being hard on yourself. Those have been my main problems now for as long as I can remember. I think it’s easy to find merit in other people, but more difficult to compliment yourself. I’m not exactly sure why that is, but I know I’m not the only one who speaks more harshly to myself than I would to a friend, let alone anyone else. And why is that?

So I think I’ll set a few goals for myself as well for the New Year. I’ll probably add more as the year goes on, but here are a few to get started:

 

1. Focus more about what would make me happy. I often am caught up in my own thoughts, worrying about what other people think about me at work, restaurants, stores, movie theaters, etc. I worry what people will think of how I dress or do my makeup or what I say, but what’s the point? I spend too much time worrying, so screw that!
2. Stay in the moment. I need to remain in the present more instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
3. Forgive myself. We all make mistakes. It’s time I start forgiving myself for being human!
4. Learn a new skill. Whether it’s practicing how to be better at public speaking or maybe picking up a new language, I just want to be learning something (or multiple things!).
5. Read more. I go to the library constantly, but for some reason I barely pick up most of the books from my table before their due date. This needs to change!

What are your goals or resolutions for 2014? Are you going with the “new year, new me” saying, or are you just hoping to stay the same?

To Believe…or Not to Believe

This post was a little difficult for me to start, but I think it’s important for me to finally say something:

I don’t believe in God anymore.

I went to church almost my whole life. I attended church camp in Park Rapids, Minn., for years. I was confirmed in tenth grade, and then I taught Sunday school classes for a few years, as well as co-lead a confirmation group Wednesday nights. I just wanted to be a good Christian. I held my values close to my heart. I didn’t drink until I turned 21. I didn’t swear or disrespect others. I bought cross necklaces, books on faith and Christian rock CDs.

I had been going to church basically my whole life, but it felt like I was just rehearsing lines and believing because other people told me to believe and I was a good girl and I wanted to fit in. I feel I truly became a Christian when I was in ninth grade. I was invited by a friend to go to a Superchick concert at the Civic Center here in Fargo, and I really wanted to go because I liked their song on the “Legally Blonde” soundtrack, and they were a Christian group, so I felt I should be there to fit in as a Christian, in a way. I didn’t really know what to expect, andthe experience was very eye opening. I don’t remember every detail of that night, but I do remember we left in small groups from the concert area to go to a different part of the Civic Center to discuss God and Jesus’ presence in our lives. We all got free copies of a book that I think was called “Jesus is a Carpenter” or something like that. Actually, I might still have it somewhere in my room. Anyway, we sat in small groups discussing God and Jesus, and I remember feeling my heart start to open and swell up in acceptance of all this love that was flowing throughout the room among the groups. A little while later, we went back to the concert area where Superchick and another band performed, and I felt renewed and amazing. Suddenly everything started to make sense to me, and I felt a sense of faith larger than I’ve ever felt since. Life was good.

Over the years I held steadfast to that faith when it seemed like many of my friends who had gone to Sunday school or confirmation with me had dropped away. I didn’t necessarily like to read the Bible in my spare time or anything like that, but I did love to listen to the Christian station 97.9, read Christian books and go to church on Sundays. The pastors at my church have known me since we first moved to Fargo when I was little, so I think part of the reason I liked going to church was to get some recognition from them for showing up so often, honestly. Also, even though my parents aren’t religious, most of my family members are, so their gifts, particularly around Christmas time, have a Christian theme. And I, once again, just wanted to be a good little Christian girl, so I kept embodying the beliefs with which I was raised.

In my junior year of college I took a Philosophy of Religion course, and we talked a lot about arguments for and against various religions, but we mainly focused on Christianity. Having no tangible faith or science to back up my faith never bothered me before, but it started to grind on me during the class. I began to understand and even side with the arguments against religions and a higher power watching over us all, but I didn’t think about it all much beyond class discussions or papers. I just didn’t feel compelled to defend my belief in Christianity anymore.

Then a few years later my grandpa got sick and he passed away after a few months. Six weeks after that, my grandma, his wife, also passed away. This past year has been very difficult for me and my family to say the least. I used to lean heavily on my faith, but over the years I noticed I had been doing that less and less. Lately I realized I haven’t really thought about God, Jesus or any religion in quite a while, probably months. And I honestly feel rather indifferent about it.

I’ve been thinking about this lately, and here is the conclusion I’ve discovered: I don’t currently believe in God or subscribe to any particular religion. It took me a long time to admit that, though, since religion had shaped me so much for most of the time I’ve been alive. I just no longer feel the drive or need to believe in a higher power, and I’m okay with that. I certainly don’t mean to slam anyone who believes in religion. I believe it’s great to have faith, regardless of what you believe in.

I don’t know if I’d necessarily consider myself an atheist or maybe something else entirely. I’m just not sure right now. I just believe in being good to people and living with love. I plan to read more about different religions to better familiarize myself with them, including Satanism and Wicca, to name a few. I feel like I’ve been routed in Christianity for so long that I don’t really know much about other religions. I miss reading and scholarly work, so perhaps this will become my new project: read about religions to see if something calls out to me. And if it doesn’t, I’ll be just fine. I believe in myself, my values, my friends and my family. And at least for right now, that’s good enough for me.

Happiness

This is such a simple idea, yet one that gets forgotten a lot: “whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.” We shouldn’t go through life angry and unhappy all the time. Everyone is always trying so hard to be happy, but at what cost? I think some of us put too much at stake on our quest for eternal, or even temporary, happiness. Sometimes I think we put up with more than we need to because we think we’ll eventually, maybe, some day get or have something better. But what kind of life is that, always waiting for something better to happen?

I think we should wake up each day, smile and get ready to face the day. Some things will happen that will make us happy. And then even more things will happen to make us sad or angry or upset in some way, and I think we all (especially me) just need to learn to let things go and be happy.

I’m not saying we can’t be sad at all. Obviously there are times when we are more than welcome to be sad, like in the case of deaths, accidents, tragedies, etc. But I think it’s how we choose to deal with life’s obstacles that can make us see our lives as positive or negative forever, instead of just temporarily. If we always belittle and judge others, that negativity can infect your mind. As one famous quote says, “you can’t live a positive life with a negative mind.”

I’ve really started to realize the importance of this quote lately when I think things aren’t happening quite the way I would like them to. The world doesn’t revolve around me (or you!), so I need to learn to let things slide off my shoulders if they don’t contribute to my happiness. I am embarking on a journey to find (and keep) my happiness, and it starts today.

Lists, Lists, Lists…

After a little hiatus, I am back and ready to keep writing on this blog. These past few months have been a whirlwind with work and life and trips and everything else, but I promise that I’m back and I’m committed to making this blog successful again!

I’ve noticed a lot of different articles have been circulating lately on websites like Huffington Post and Buzzfeed with lists like what every woman should own by the time she turns 30 or do before she gets married. While some items have some merit (i.e., “Learn how to cook. Not because you’re getting ready to be someone’s June Cleaver, but because it’s reassuring to know that you can fend for yourself in the kitchen”), not every one is a gem (i.e., “Have a summer fling. Even if it doesn’t last past Labor Day, it’s a fun memory to look back on — and makes for a fun story to reminisce about”).

What are your thoughts on lists such as these? While I normally love to make lists and check things off, I can’t help but feel nervous about ones like those listed above. I feel like the lists that are trending now include mostly cliches, not in-depth, meaningful things. Everyone wants to have all the answers all the time, but that’s just not possible. Do these lists help us feel more in control, like our future is within tangible grasp? Or do we just like seeing what other people deem important in their lives? Why do we seem to like listening to other people tell us what to do?

There are so many adjectives women are “supposed to” embody and so many verbs women “should master” before reaching certain milestones in life, like marriage or turning the big 3-0. But why?

Minnow. Minnow. Shark!

When I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy this morning, a line from the show really stuck with me: “You’re supposed to be a shark, so why are you a minnow? Who made you so quiet?”

Pretty much all my life, I’ve been a minnow. Nobody made me quiet; I’ve just always been this way. I prefer when things are quieter and people are getting along. I don’t like to ruffle people’s feathers. I don’t like confrontation. I’m a minnow.

I’ve struggled with my assertiveness for a while now, and I just can’t seem to find a way to get over that and become a shark. I read books, I google quotes on the internet. I need to try something new.

In my book club we’re reading “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg, and in our last meeting we all made Lean In goals. We plan to update each other on the progress of our goals at our next meeting. I was having trouble coming up with an idea for a goal, and then assertiveness came to my mind.

I need to be more assertive. I need to stand up, take charge and stop letting others walk all over me. I need to be known for more than just being a nice  girl. I know I have talent and skill and knowledge, but if I never tell anyone that or show it through my work, will anything change? No.

I need to learn how to be a shark. A nice shark, but a shark nonetheless. I need to push myself to come up with great ideas and run with them. I need to speak up with I don’t think things are fair. I need to take charge and do things instead of asking if it’s okay if I maybe do something (within reason). I need to take risks. I need to lean in more.

I used to think there was nothing wrong with being a minnow. You don’t cause anyone to be angry, but you don’t really make people happy, either. You’re just kinda…there. I used to think there was nothing wrong with that. But I  was wrong.

I don’t want to just exist. I don’t want to just be here, watching others take charge and achieve their goals. I want to take charge and achieve MY goals.

It’s time for me to take a bite out of life, as they say. And I’m gonna take a pretty big bite.

I’m On My Way

Sometimes we all just need a little reminder that no matter what is happening today, tomorrow is a brand new day.

I’m Insane

We all know the quote from Albert Einstein about how the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I’m as insane as they come.

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m a complainer. Big things, little things, significant things, insignificant things, pain, work, school, life, you name it. I don’t know why, but I seem to complain about almost anything. Instead of taking steps to change that, however, I just keep driving the complain train (is that a thing?). Well, the buck (train) stops here.

I came to this epiphany last night after concluding a meeting with my book club. We’re currently reading “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg, and even though we’ve only gotten about halfway through the book, it’s opened our eyes to a lot of things we never really thought about before. Women need to feel more comfortable to be able to go out and get what they want out of life. I don’t do that. I complain about things I don’t have and then I don’t work harder to get the things I want. I told you, I’m insane.

It’s time to put a halt on my insanity, at least for a little while. It’s time to stop complaining and put my words into action. It’s time to move forward. It’s time for me to actually sit down and think about what I want to do and what I want to get out of this life.

I’m trying to learn to be more sane. Let’s see how this goes 🙂

Like A Virgin

I am a 22-year-old virgin and proud of it. I don’t find any shame in me not having had sex yet, and I’ve gotten over the fact that others judge me because of that. I found this article on HelloGiggles last week, and while I don’t agree with all of the statements, I do think it makes some good points.

Just because someone is a virgin does not mean they’re a prude. It does not mean they’re weird or something’s wrong with them or they’re delusional. It could mean a variety of things. For many, it has to do with their religion. For others, they’re just waiting for the right person. For me, it’s a combination of things. I don’t want to rush into anything or do it because everyone else is supposedly doing it and not doing it apparently makes me weird. I like being weird!

I’ve always been of the belief that I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. I’ve had quite a few people look down on me or judge me for this decision, but that hasn’t swayed me one bit. I don’t see anything wrong with waiting. I want to make sure me and my significant other are truly ready before we share that experience. Sure, some people may say I’m putting losing my virginity up on a pedestal, but I don’t care. That’s my right.

Virgins tend to be mocked in the media, despite their age (think “40-year-old Virgin” and most teenage dramas on TV today), and I don’t understand it. There is so much more to a person than their sexually active status, or lack thereof. I’m in a committed, loving relationship with a man I plan to be with for the rest of my life. I have a full-time job. I have a wonderful family. I have too many other great things going for me to get hung up on this one little snag in my personality, as some may see it. It is not a character flaw and it is not open to your judgment; it is my private life, and I’m tired of making excuses for my behavior because someone else doesn’t agree with my decisions.

So what if I’m labeled as weird or an outcast or whatever? I have my values, just like everyone else, and no, I don’t think that makes me better than anyone. Just because other people are having sex in or out of marriage doesn’t mean that I look down on them or anything like that. I don’t want others to judge me, so why would I judge others? We’ve got enough stuff to worry about with adding in issues with sex and who’s having it and who’s not.